Paris Hilton has been ordered back to jail in Lynwood and will serve out her original 45 day sentence with a credit for the 5 days she’s already served. Reporters say she was crying through the entire process and, when Judge Michael Sauer gave his decision, she let out a huge cry and said, “This isn’t right.” She was then physically dragged out of the courtroom by a female deputy, in tears, screaming, “Mom, Mom, Mom.”

Some witnesses say they saw a rainbow above the courtroom. And others say they saw a giant man in the clouds with a white beard nodding his head approvingly. And me? Well I saw Judge Michael Sauer grow to be twelve feet tall, with muscles the size of tree trunks. And when he smiled, little cartoon hearts appeared above my head and there was a strange tingling sensation in my pants.

NOTE: I officially nominate Judge Michael Sauer for President of the Entire Universe.

UPDATE: There’s conflicting reports about her sentence. She either has to serve out her reduced 23 days or her original 45 days depending on who you’re hearing it from.

UPDATE 2: The official word is that she has to serve out her original 45 day sentence, although that comes out to 23 days of actual jail time with good behavior (one day off for every day of good behavior). So she’s still going in for her original 45 day sentence, but will still only do 23 days (minus the 5 day credit) of actual jail time.