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Another football season is rapidly approaching us and with that comes millions of fantasy drafts set to take place over the next two weeks leading up to opening night on September 6th when the Saints play the Colts. Sensing the moment and probably preparing a fantasy cheat sheet of his own, Lions quarterback Jon Kitna issued this disturbing yet sobering statement to the press:

“To everyone out there, for god’s sake just take someone else. I’m talking back-up QBs too, not just your starter: TAKE. SOMEONE. ELSE. Every year many of you idiots take me, get all excited and then boom, I absolutely crap the bed like an untrained puppy. You know I suck. I’m a freakin’ Lion! Get your head out of your ass and make a solid pick. I’m tired of being forced to defend myself on the streets when I don’t even want to. The fact that I dropped myself from my own fantasy team last year should be enough to scare you away, so do us all a favor on draft night and just let my sucky self be. And in the rarest of rare chances that I might actually get hot for one or two weeks, or even a quarter or two, don’t (expletive) jinx it you selfish (expletive), leave me on waivers to rot like decaying roadkill. Thanks and have an amazingly (expletive) day.

Awfully yours,

Jon Kitna”

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Thanks to Mikey and Jevin, I’ve come up with another time waster(for work of course) of a subject. Come up with a website name you find creative…I’ll start!

MikeyLikesStubs.com

JevinHasAnRVProblem.com

EvsGotOutdrankByGiddings.com

NateIsGhostlike.com

GregTheBandwagonJumper.com

One of the hottest Cougers on the face of the earth just got hotter. Cindy Crawford, the same woman that has been giving me boners since I was 10, has enhanced her breasts. I must say that her surgeon did one hell of a job. Much props Doc, much props!

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Those words spoken by Chris Rock are so fitting in this scenario. Don Vito, a la Viva La Bam, is back in court facing molestation charges.

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He is accused of grabbing the buttocks of a 12-year-old girl and the breasts of two other girls, ages 12 and 14. Margera pleaded not guilty and is free on $50,000 bond; he faces six years in prison if convicted. Prosecutors announced the bail-violation charges yesterday, but no details were released.

This guy has problems. He looks like he’s in a perpetual stupor. I wouldn’t let him near a dog park let alone a school yard because he’ll grab anything with tits. You could put Vito in a morgue and he’d be squeezing the boobs of dead girls. Jesus, this guy is creepy.

This has to be one of the most bizzare stories of the year. Apparently, James Gahan of St. Petersburg, FL forced his son to inject roids for three years before being caught. Prosecuters had this to say: “Mr. Gahan would take his son to storefront clinics called the Pasco Medical Center or Physicians Wellness Institute to receive anabolic steroid injections, which federal prosecutors say Gahan also received.”

But this isn’t even the best part of the story…the reason behind this fathers idiocy was the fact that he wanted his son to make an international roller skating team. The kid took steroids for three years before the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency tested the boy and found the drugs in his system. He was training to qualify for something called the “USA Roller Sports’ junior national team”, to represent the United States at an international competition in China.

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Travis Henry has fathered 9 kids by 9 different women. Even though he has a $25 million contract, he still had to borrow money from Bud Adams, owner of the Tennessee Titans. He seems like a good guy though because he wants all of them to watch him in training camp. Hell, maybe he could get Shawn Kemp to attend and they could exchange parenting tips!

Brett Myers doesn’t appreciate when reporters question his judgment of distance:

When Myers was asked about the two home runs, he said they were really “just pop ups.” A reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer questioned whether Myers really thought they were pop ups, and Myers got angry. “You’re not even a beat reporter, you’re a fill-in, you don’t know anything about baseball,” said Myers, who then called the reporter “retarded.” The Inquirer reporter asked if Myers could spell retarded, and Myers stood up. Burrell then restrained Myers, and Myers refused to speak any further.

You would think a reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper would know how to spell most words. Regardless, it’s never prudent to ask someone to spell out his insult. I remember when that guy called me a “lecherous blight on society”, and I responded by asking, “could you please spell that your Honor?” Those extra 6 weeks in the hoosegow for contempt of court really made me wish I would have studied phonics more.

Here is a pic of Myers in a Philadelphia courtroom last year…if you remember, he was arrested for hitting his wife. She tried to drop the charges, but to no avail. The prosecuting attorney seekd charges because of his malicious behavior over the years.

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Hey Answer, our boys had quite a weekend.

In Chicago, Steven Filer finished his game with 13 tackles, 3 tackles for loss, one sack, and one pass defended in Mount Carmel’s 21-20 win. I went to the game…between MC and Joliet Catholic, the two schools have combined for 23 state 8A titles. Also, Rudy’s nephew is the QB for Joliet Catholic.

Darius Fleming and his St. Rita squad rolled Simeon 47-6 as Fleming finished with 6 sacks, 5 TFL, and 12 total tackles.

Robert Blanton on Butler(NC) had 2 interceptions and a 96 yard KO return for a touchdown. Here is an excerpt from a North Carolina newspaper.

OBSERVATIONS | DAN TIERNEY
• If anyone in the stadium didn’t know of Butler’s All-State defensive back and Notre Dame signee Robert Blanton, they did after the first half. With a kickoff return for a touchdown, an interception, a couple tackles on punt coverage and a catch where he smoothly bounced off a defender, Blanton’s name was about every other word out of the speakers.

• Oddest down of the game? First and 45 for Butler. And it took two plays to pick up the first down.

• Possibly the most tired people on the field? The referees, who might need shoulder replacements after penalizing the teams for nearly 200 combined yards on 21 penalties.

• Butler will give teams fits this year with the no-huddle shotgun offense. We’ll see later this year if it works against a certain nearby rival with a 109-game winning streak. Observations | Dan Tierney

Nate looks like the stuntman for Cliff Claven!

Greg looks like the stuntman for Ryan Klesko!

Rader looks like the stuntman for Pinocchio!

A subscription based Colombian reality show, Los Pichones (The Young Pigeons), rewards contestants who have the dirtiest sex. In it, participants are divided into 2 teams, fellatio and cunnilingus. Their advancement in the game depends on how depraved their sex acts are as voted on by the audience. Reports indicate 800 people have already applied to be on it.

If sex is not too filthy or scandalous, the couple is expelled. Contestants go through tests such as having sex with your wife in front of a group of friends, sadomasochism or having sex in a manger rolling around on animal excrements.

Meanwhile, we Americans are subjected to bullshit shows like Big Brother, The Hills, and Hell’s Kitchen. What is this world coming to?